Insanity Lurks

Over the past two weeks, I have started two different DW posts but have not succeeded in posting them. It's kind of frustrating how much I think about the DW posts I want to do versus what actually happens.

I would like to journal more this year. I have an internal dialogue in my head all the time and I think it would be helpful to turn them into actual written words in the hopes that I will stop thinking about the same things and maybe have room for new ones. What I can't decide is if DW is a good place for some of the writing about my personal life that I'd like to do, or if I should try to get myself to do physical journals. Or start another DW for it. Still mulling it over!

( musings )

MSV is going well! I am chugging along with modding. It did make me realize that I do need to try participating in another event that I am not running - I miss doing stuff like that.

Well, I meant to update much sooner than this, but life happened. I'm also learning that when I'm stressed a lot about things, I revert to 'hermit mode' and it's harder for me to communicate. :(

I trained the people who are covering me at work for my leave and tried to wrap up as much as I could for my supervisor. My mom had her surgery and it went well. It's not an easy recovery, but compared to her ankle surgeries, it is much better. The loss of Oshun was also quite tough. Sometimes I'm not very clear on the concept of an afterlife, but I do hope that she is somewhere where her eyes work again and she gets to read all the books she wants and have wonderful conversations with all her dear ones who have passed on before her. I like to think of her having coffee and cake with Kei and Rhaps.

My thanks to Dawn for the Gofundme. I knew her reach would be far better than mine as I am very quiet in the fandom space these days. I was always more of a lurker and losing Kei did not make it any better. I am cautiously optimistic that I might write again though. The past four years in particular have been so mentally crushing that I wasn't sure that I ever would again. I've also struggled with losing my friend who was always a part of my fandom experience from the very beginning.

But - I'm going back to South Africa in just over 48 hours. I had a nice little anxiety attack about it last week. But it's going to be fine, and I've had a lot of help from Anerea on trying to make this dream possible. I will be doing the Sanctuary road trip and I'll be able to see Anerea and Kei's family, and celebrate what would have been 20 years of knowing her. It feels almost surreal, I've spent two years trying to coordinate coming back to SA and now I'm almost there! Just absolutely surreal. I said I was going to do it, and I'm making it happen, not just wishing I did.

I'm coming to terms with how sentimental I am and always have been. I can move mountains, if it's personal, and I just need to lean into that a bit more.

Just going through all my check lists and my list of things to accomplish before leaving. I think I have just about everything wrapped up, and anything else must keep or work out along the way.

I did absentee vote, so I don't have to worry about that. It'll be weird to be in another country during election day, but it's probably better than obsessively checking news. I've done what I can personally do.

Just - glad this trip is happening. The last day I left South Africa, I said I thought it would take me two years to make it back. After a year, I had a hard time hearing planes fly above because I wanted to go back so badly, and now I'm almost there.

I miss you so much, dear.

love, me

Today is Keiliss's birthday and it is very bittersweet. So many people loved her, admired her writing and have special connections with her. There were many stories in the MSV 2023 collection as a tribute. There was also a need for others to be able to participate outside of that fandom exchange. That's what the A Fandom Tribute to Keiliss collection is for and it will remain open indefinitely.

I was able to upload her favorite icon to the profile and the glitter piece of it worked. I hope it makes you all smile. There's a little FAQ about the collection on the profile page, and a spreadsheet with prompts for anyone who wants to contribute something but needs a little guidance or ideas for what they can do. A major thanks to zhie and independence1776  for their work on that spreadsheet! It would have not have been the same without them.

hhimring made Keiliss the focus of the tolkienshortfanworks challenge for February as well. You can find more about that here! It's such a lovely idea.

After Kei's passing, there were many donations made to my PayPal in memory of her. When I spoke to R, her husband in August, he said he wanted it donated to charity. He is a very kind man. The Tolkien Fandom is incredibly generous, though, and collectively raised $1200. (I donated the difference to make it a nice even number for ease of distribution.)

I was working with M, her oldest daughter on ideas on what to do with it, but I think M found it very overwhelming to deal with (and very understandably so!). I decided to make the executive decision on what to do with the funds. $600 went to Kei's family. R is getting on in years and his retirement funds do not cover very much, plus T, Kei's youngest daughter is returning to South Africa for a family trip that she had planned before Kei passed, and I asked that some funds be used for a family outing during that time, if possible. I think it will be a very hard time for them.

With the remaining funds, I made donations to the Cancer Society of South Africa and Gift of the Givers (she mentioned this charity multiple times to me and loved their work). I'm working with anerea to finish up the last of the donations because I know it has to go to animal charities. Kei had dogs, cats and even chickens at one point - (cows, sheep and goats also were a favorite to show up in fanfiction!) She also believed very strongly in animal conservation. Some will be going to Eseltjiesrus Donkey Sanctuary because of her story Sanctuary. If you haven't read it yet, I really recommend it!

I will be editing this post when the last of the animal charity donations have been finalized. I will also be contacting each individual donor with information about where the funds went via the email address they donated from. Receipts of the funds distribution will be available upon request via email - I'm not comfortable posting my account screen shots on a public DW entry.

Thank you all for the stories you've shared about her and the assurance that she will absolutely not be forgotten any time soon.

EDIT: Last bit of the fandom donations went to Eseltjiesrus Donkey Sanctuary and Grace Animal Sanctuary. I also got news from M that R is in need of a hernia surgery and the money came at a very good time.

Kei and her husband were pensioners and things were always very tight. I know she would have been a bit shocked and embarrassed by everyone's generosity on her behalf, but the thought of her husband helped this way would have moved her to tears.

Thank you everyone who donated and thank you for trusting me to be able to distribute the funds.

 What a fucking year.

Still here. It's not been easy, this past month, but my goal is to spend more time engaging and being around. My world's been in an uproar for a variety of reasons, none the least Kei's passing. I want to talk to her every day.

My work life has been chaos, which has been distracting. I'm reasonably proud of myself for having a decently clean apartment and groceries in the fridge. I'm worried about the winter coming - I deal with seasonal depression pretty bad, but I'm determined to make it through because I know Kei would not want me to dissolve into a mess.

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes - I think I missed some for sure. I tried to go back through LJ/DW's friends feed and realized there was a cut off so I lost some posts. I can't remember if it always worked like that or if this is new. My deepest apologies if I missed something, it was definitely not intended.

I also have some important things to do, like update Kei's website so it's complete. I need to write again. I signed up for Zhie's Scribbles and Drabbles event back when she was in the hospital because I knew she would want me to - she always encouraged my writing even though I found many reasons to put it on the back-burner. She also gifted me several important ficlets for my birthday last year, and it was always her intention for me to beta them and her post them. Part of me wants to hold onto them privately forever, but I don't think that's what she'd want.

We were supposed to talk about what she wanted done with her fandom legacy - I told her we'd have to talk about that the last time I ever spoke to her and she agreed. But I didn't know I'd never speak to her again. I'm going to have to make some best guesses as to what she'd want. I'm going to keep her website up as long as I can afford the hosting. I'm going to run MSV again this year because she would haunt me if I didn't.

At some point, I am going to do a little post about my South Africa trip - not so much about the funeral, but some of the lovely memories I have. (Special shout out to anerea - there is no hyperbole when I say she is an amazing, generously warm human being who helped me immensely.) Eventually I might even make a post that isn't about Kei, but I'm still trying to process a world without her.

 I made it! But God, that 14 hour flight over the Atlantic. By hour 7, I just wondered how on earth I was going to do 7 more, lol.

This has been such a surreal experience. I got badly choked up at the airport because I never imagined I'd get here and she would not be there at the end of the journey. But then her daughter, M and her husband picked me up at the airport and it's fascinating to meet people you've never met but you've heard about for years so you feel like you know them already. And Kei talked about me like I was her next door neighbor so they felt like they already knew me in a way too.

They've just been so kind. I didn't expect them to be mean or anything but I knew this was such an odd situation and I had no idea what they would make of me. They've responded by wrapping me into their family and that has just blown me away. They don't really understand fandom as such, so they kind of call us her Book Club people. And they knew she loved to write. I've got to play with her grandchildren as well, they are the same age as several of my nieces and nephews and they were so important to her.

Her funeral is on Tuesday, and one of the things she asked for was that her coffin could be written and drawn on. I didn't even know you could do that, but it fits both sides of her so well, both the artist and the writer. I'm going to write something on there for me and for her Tolkien peeps. They also asked if I wanted to say something at the funeral. I hadn't even thought of that so I must put something together. It's so hard to encapsulate what she means to me and everyone here.

I did ask them you guys wanting to donate something to the funeral, flowers or charity, whatever. Ray, her husband, immediately said he would want whatever it is to go to charity in her name. Kei was a life long supporter of charity and it would be a beautiful thing. We've discussed several different options, and I think the children's red cross, her local animal shelter and the Cancer society are the most likely places.

M doesn't have PayPal yet and she's busy handling the bulk of the funeral arrangements, so if you want to donate, please send it to me and I will get it to her family while I'm here. No pressure to give, of course, Kei would not want that ever! But I do know some people will want to. My PayPal is japaskey(@)gmail.com. I promise all of it will go to them to distribute as they wish to each charity.

Hey, back in for an update. They had to move her to another hospital for specialty care that the previous hospital wasn't equipped to deal with, but it sounds like the transfer went well, and her daughter told me she got a nice quiet ward with outside view. Having a view to look out of when these things happen can really help so I'm glad for that.

There is hope that she will be able to go home in the next few days. I also got to talk to her directly for a little bit, but she's very tired so the contact is infrequent. It meant so much to hear from her though.

She also said that while she does not have the energy to reply to anything yet, she has had the opportunity to read some of the emails and messages people have sent her and they have been special and very meaningful to her. So thank you, everyone! ♥

All the prayers/good thoughts/energy matters too. I think M is impressed by how many international friends Kei has. *G*

Just wanted to let people know that keiliss is in the ICU and has been for several days now. I've been able to speak to her daughter, M, who is keeping me in the loop about it. I can't really share specifics - I don't have direct permission from her yet for the gory bits.

If you guys would light a candle for her and send good thoughts her way - or prayers if you believe in that - it would be appreciated. I know her presence in the Tolkien fandom has been meaningful for a lot of people and her stories have touched us all.

If she owes you an answer to a comment or an email, this is why you've not heard from her and it could be a while before you do. She will definitely have a recovery period after this, even though she always frets about leaving things unanswered for too long. I'm sure messages/emails would be appreciated, if again, not answered quickly.