update

[red_lasbelin]

Still here. It's not been easy, this past month, but my goal is to spend more time engaging and being around. My world's been in an uproar for a variety of reasons, none the least Kei's passing. I want to talk to her every day.

My work life has been chaos, which has been distracting. I'm reasonably proud of myself for having a decently clean apartment and groceries in the fridge. I'm worried about the winter coming - I deal with seasonal depression pretty bad, but I'm determined to make it through because I know Kei would not want me to dissolve into a mess.

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes - I think I missed some for sure. I tried to go back through LJ/DW's friends feed and realized there was a cut off so I lost some posts. I can't remember if it always worked like that or if this is new. My deepest apologies if I missed something, it was definitely not intended.

I also have some important things to do, like update Kei's website so it's complete. I need to write again. I signed up for Zhie's Scribbles and Drabbles event back when she was in the hospital because I knew she would want me to - she always encouraged my writing even though I found many reasons to put it on the back-burner. She also gifted me several important ficlets for my birthday last year, and it was always her intention for me to beta them and her post them. Part of me wants to hold onto them privately forever, but I don't think that's what she'd want.

We were supposed to talk about what she wanted done with her fandom legacy - I told her we'd have to talk about that the last time I ever spoke to her and she agreed. But I didn't know I'd never speak to her again. I'm going to have to make some best guesses as to what she'd want. I'm going to keep her website up as long as I can afford the hosting. I'm going to run MSV again this year because she would haunt me if I didn't.

At some point, I am going to do a little post about my South Africa trip - not so much about the funeral, but some of the lovely memories I have. (Special shout out to anerea - there is no hyperbole when I say she is an amazing, generously warm human being who helped me immensely.) Eventually I might even make a post that isn't about Kei, but I'm still trying to process a world without her.

Comments

[maggiehoneybite]

I wish I could do more than just send virtual hugs and say that you're in my thoughts. I know it's grossly inadequate even if true. Dealing with Kei's fandom legacy is a BIG task. I am looking forward to hearing more about your trip to South Africa. I fully intend to sign up for MSV this year even though my experience of fic swaps is almost nil (but I wouldn't miss it). And I will gladly contribute to help cover the hosting fees for Kei's website. Glad to see an update from you. Thanks for granting me access. :)

[red_lasbelin]

I was delighted to see that you had joined the DW crowd, so giving you access was an easy choice. :) I appreciate the support and the thoughts - I do think all of that matters. I will get there with the post. I think I'm still dealing with a lot of shock right now.

I would love for you to sign up for MSV. Swaps are a different kind of challenge and you'll either love or hate it (or love AND hate it *G*)

The offer is very kind, Maggie dear. I can afford it for the good forseeable future but I will keep it in mind. Do you still have yours up?

[maggiehoneybite]

Do you still have yours up?

As in, my fanfic web page? AC was kindly hosting it for me, and it was up for many years, but when she took down her Ithilas website my web page went down too. I think it was in 2019. It's archived on the Wayback Machine and I did manage to get some fan art off that which I wanted to keep. Since I wasn't the one in charge of the hosting (as I'm beyond crap at technology), I didn't have much say. And, to be fair, I was completely gone from fandom for about 15 years and let my old email addresses lapse. So I would have been impossible to contact anyway. My loss.

[maggiehoneybite]

Found out today that my old website has been archived by the Wayback Machine. So it still exists, sort of. Like a fly preserved in amber.

https://web.archive.org/web/20060510121208/http://www.ithilas.com/maggie/maggie.html

[alexcat]

She had several things at OEAM, which is archived at Ao3 now. You are welcome to archive them all there if you like. You can also make a collection at Ao3 under the name of her website and archive her fics there. That way, they're somewhere that yopu don't have to worry about keeping up. I put all my fics in a collection named for my little website.

[red_lasbelin]

Oh, that is a cool idea, Alex! I hadn't thought of that. She did keep most of her stuff on AO3 already - I am going to have to go through and see what she has archived there and what she doesn't.

[independence1776]

I'm glad to hear that you'll be keeping Kei's website up for as long as possible.

I think the LJ/DW friends feeds cut off after two weeks; I recall that there was also a cut-off point for the number of posts, but given how quiet DW is, I don't remember what it is.

I'm looking forward to your South Africa post.

Best wishes for everything and lots of *hugs*.

[red_lasbelin]

I think the internet has changed quite a lot and the loss of the smaller fan websites has made it a very different place. I know keeping the website up would make her smile, and it's worth the money just for that.

I will remember the cut off point for next time - and I needed to be more prompt in thanking people anyway. I just was startled by it, I guess I am out of the habit?

Thank you for the wishes and kindness, Indy. *hugs tight*

[independence1776]

It has certainly changed a lot. Smaller fan websites are valuable in and of themselves and Kei's holds a special place in our hearts. (When I updated my archive list, seeing Kei's on there nearly made me start crying again.

It's very easy to get out of the habit and not very easy to get back in, unfortunately.

*hugs back*

[anerea]

It's good to see you back here again. I'm glad Kei's presence is providing gentle motivation, and also that you're going to be maintaining her legacy as far as possible. I had been wondering about that.

It also makes me happy that you're going to be writing for Scribbles & Drabbles, although I do have a degree of self interest there!

And just know that even though we're connecting through the ether this fandom family is here for each other, so if Winter gets a little gloomy, just reach out — with us being all around the globe there's always someone up and about!

*And* (😉) although the circumstances were devastating, I am so grateful we got to meet; you are such a beautiful being and it makes make happy to be able to call you my friend.) 💜

[red_lasbelin]

I do know Kei's thoughts on fanworks disappearing and events ending, thankfully. So it's easy to know what she'd want if at all possible. I don't want to lose the fandom connections in my grief either, though I'll admit it's hard to face the prospect of fandom without her. I only had a handful of months in fandom before we met and started talking.

I need to mark the writing deadlines on my calendar and bug a friend to write with me so I can get started on it. I have your drawing as physical inspiration as well, which is quite wonderful. :)

Meeting you was a reminder of how amazing fandom can be in bringing people from all over the world together and forming friendships. I would dearly love to see you again and plan to do so when I am able to come to your part of the world again.

Thank you for your continuing kindness!

[anerea]

I can only imagine how different and not-nearly-as-nice it feels to interact in fandom with her. And at the same time, I do hope you receive comfort and nurture through continuing.

I'm here to bug and be bugged about writing, and if we can find a common spot in our time zones and schedules, I'd love to write with you. And I love that you picked my Scribbles & Drabbles art to write for and that I it was a pencil drawing so I was able to give you the original.

Sending huge hugs from the deep Deep South!

[melusine6619]

[[[[[[[Red]]]]]]]

I think of you often and wonder how you're doing. Know that we're all here for you. I fully intend to sign up for MSV; I was going to anyway, but I want to even more now, and I'll help in any way I can. I'll also be more than happy to contribute for Kei's website hosting.

[red_lasbelin]

Thank you, Mel! I appreciate your support and kindness. I'm also really glad you'll join us for MSV - I know Kei would very strongly want that to continue.

I do not need any contributions, that's very sweet of you though. If anything changes, I will let you know though. That's incredibly kind.

*hugs tight*

[erulissedances]

Do what you feel you can, and push to do one additional thing before closing for the day or the week. That's all progress.

Kei won't be leaving your thoughts (or mine), but she'll move from sitting at your side to sitting across the room, to perching on the rooftop. Over time separation will be more comfortable for both of you.

*hugs*

- Erulisse (one L)

[red_lasbelin]

Do what you feel you can, and push to do one additional thing before closing for the day or the week. That's all progress.

Thank you for the reminder - I'm working to do that. It's unfair that doing more things does help, but it is a time when doing things feels impossible. But I'm here, answering comments - within a week. So that's progress, lol.

I'll admit right now just thinking about her perching on the rooftop instead of by my side is desperately sad, but there is a truth to that.

Hope you're doing okay, dear. *hugs*

[erulissedances]

She left us during the height of my hummingbird season, and we're almost at and end to that cycle for this year. It's a reminder to me that time continues and we have to sail that river for as long as we can. I also can look forward to seeing the hummingbirds again next Spring, and I can have hope that you and Kei will meet again at some point in the unseeable future. It's impossible to say yes or no, but hope is always a good thing to hold on to.

You're doing great. It's just marvelous to hear from you again, and that means you're dipping your toe into the water and watching those ripples. It's all good, and you've got a lot of support on-line - so many people.

But yes, although it gets easier, it almost seems like the wrong thing - that the pain of losing someone so dear should be sharp forever more. We're fortunate in the fact that these sharp edges always smooth out over time. The stones are still edged, but those edges are smoothed out by the water's action.

*hugs*

- Erulisse (one L)

[ysilme]

So good to hear from you! ♥ It'd be lovely to see you around more, too, of course; I hope it'll bring you relaxation and joy and helps you deal with the cards life dealt you - yay for the apartment and fride situation, that's definitely an achievement under such cirumstances! Hope also the seasonal depression won't hit you too hard. *hugs* Maybe being here / generally around more often might help a little with that as well?

Re: the cut off DW/LJ feeds: it's a bit more time-consuming, of course, but you can also just go through your friends' journals one by one to see if you missed something. I never used the reading list and feeds, but used notifications for various reasons. I often don't manage to keep up even so, so sometimes I just go to a friend's journal and go back over the last few weeks of entries or so to see what I missed.

It's so good to know I'm so glad you're going to take care of Kei's fandom legacy; I'd been wondering about it. I'm sorry you haven't been able to discuss it with her, but I'm sure your best guesses are exactly what she'd be happy with. If there's anything I can do to help with any of that in any regard, also financially, I'd be happy to!
I can understand your feelings about those gift ficlets very well. There's no hurry in sharing them, I would think; just follow your heart and where your grieving journey takes you. ***hugs*** I'm sure what she'd want most is you doing what's best for yourself.

Best wishes for your own writing as well, and for a cooperative muse! ♥ And I'm looking forward to anything you'd like to share about your trip.

Eventually I might even make a post that isn't about Kei, but I'm still trying to process a world without her.
That's no surprise, and working through this is neither easy nor going quickly. I'm here for any Kei-related content of yours, and not because I miss her immensely myself, but because I know what it means to work through grief and loss. ***hugs***a

[red_lasbelin]

Thank you for the lovely comment, Ysilme! Your support through all of this has meant a lot. I do think engaging with more people and being reminded of all the lovely things still here will be helpful for me, yes. I also appreciate the tip about going through people's journals. I did try to do that to cover who I could. I just must be faster about this next time - I usually am, but this birthday was a mess in particular.

That's so kind of you - but I do have the hosting covered for the forseeable future. I'll remember it if anything comes up though. I do not want to take advantage of anyone's kindness. I have it budgeted in with everything else.

Thank you for your thoughts re: legacy and grieving. I promise I'll answer your longer email as soon as I'm able as well.

I hope you're gentle with yourself too with all of this!

*hugs tightly*

[bluehairwriter]

Many hugs.

I feel you about seasonal issues, since we had, a few years back, a November without even 1 sunny day. And it was so very rough.

And of course all the other things do not help.

But it is true that staying active helps. Even when you don't even know how you made the things you did.

stay strong. There is really no alternative...

[red_lasbelin]

Thank you, Blue. You're right, there's no good alternative. She'd remind me of that when I got quite depressed. Life is a gift and we must keep going. Even in Novembers where there is no sunny day. (That would be brutal).

We persist. *hugs very tight*